With some justification, fear enjoys a bad rep in our lives. There is probably nothing more pathetic than to see a fellow human gripped by fear. Is anything else more paralyzing? And more capable of extinguishing all hope and joy?
Yet a closer look suggests that fear can play different roles at different times in our lives. I submit that over time, fear can turn from a potential tyrant into a genuine friend. In our life journey and quest for truth, fear becomes the best mentor that we can have.
Let me explain.
When we are young, feelings of fear have a practical purpose. As uncomfortable as it is to feel afraid, in the early stages of our lives it is a feeling that leads us away from possible danger towards safety. Fear teaches us to pay attention, change course or do something altogether different than what we are about to do. In this way, fear faithfully steers us away from harm.
As children we learn to respect fear, but because of our inexperience, we are also vulnerable to fear’s terrible tyranny. There are many times in our development where fear grips us irrationally and we are suddenly thrust into psychological turmoil. When this happens fear can dominate our emotions and paralyze our intentions, forcing us into exaggerated caution and rampant inhibition.
Eventually we discover the exact line where rational fear can cross into irrational thoughts. Through trial and error and life’s many challenges, we learn to guard ourselves consistently against crossing this boundary.
Well-adjusted adults hear the voice of fear but balance it with what is reasonable. The likelihood of an event actually taking place, the experience of others coupled with our life experiences —these shield us from impulsive obedience to fear. Healthy adults hear the messages from their “fear radar,” but they do not automatically accept the accompanying instructions that would readily enslave them.*
So far, I am not saying anything that isn’t obvious to the majority of us. But what I have found is that, as one enters the later stages of life, fear begins to play a different role.
As we grow older and come to terms with our mortality, we embrace honesty and authenticity. We no longer waste enormous energy to hide embarrassing imperfections and flaws. Bravely, we examine our lives and acknowledge the warts we see. Armed with confidence and experience, we are now able to accept the truth about ourselves.
It is at this very time that fear begins to act differently in our lives. No longer warning us about possible dangers, fear actually begins to point us in the direction that we should go.
Contrary to my experiences in my youth,** now the very things I am afraid of doing are the things I need to do. A phone call, a visit, offering an apology, extending myself to others in some way —all of which threaten my comfort level— are the very things I have to consider and act upon.
When a thought that is wrapped in fear runs through my head, I now want to investigate it further. There is a real possibility that if fear is associated with it, the thing I would naturally avoid offers me an opportunity for personal growth.
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*I would argue that an individual demonstrates maturity when she understands definitively that the thoughts that run through her mind are not actually her. The mind acts like a raging river. We are not our thoughts and feelings until we decide to appropriate them.
**Obviously, when we are young there can be times where we have to overcome our fears and do something that is uncomfortable, but I submit that it takes an entire life to gain the confidence to seek out deliberately what we fear and see where this road leads. Young people can do it, but only inconsistently.