When I was teenager in high school I stumbled upon a disturbing phenomenon. The times I would attend a party with absolutely zero expectations would be the times I had the most fun. Conversely, when I expected great entertainment and worked hard to control the outcome, I would always come up empty.
My life followed pretty much in the same vein. Relationships flourished when I refused to control them and events took a pleasant course when I remembered to let them do that.
The common wisdom is to live life without expectations. Expectations lead to disappointment and pain. However, what is less clear is how one is supposed to do that. It is challenging to engage in anything without having some thought about the possible outcome.
Take dating, for example. When you are single you are supposed to go out with several people and just enjoy yourself. If you have the good fortune of meeting someone you find attractive and interesting, you hope to go out with that person again. Before you know it, you begin to plan something more long term.
It’s the same with taking on a dream job or project. At first you are just happy to be involved, but very quickly you wonder how you can influence things in your favour.
For the longest time, I thought that this “expectation obsession” was a personal problem. I found it impossible just to enjoy myself and let things be. I chided myself for being weak and undisciplined in my thinking.
Eventually it dawned on me that the problem is universal. The tendency to have expectations is a human trait. All of us struggle to let go and allow life to lead us. We want to take the steering wheel and control people and events. Perhaps it’s a nod to our ancestral need to ensure our survival.
The remedy for this dilemma?
There is none, really. But in time I did discover another phenomenon. I realized that when I was preoccupied with some task at hand or was distracted by something meaningful, I could experience other parts of life without expectations. The antidote to my having expectations was to focus on one thing at a time.
Life can do wonders for us when we are distracted.* As the decades passed I managed to have a wonderful teaching career, find the woman of my dreams and have the perfect son —among many other fabulous experiences. Most of the blessings in my life blindsided me because I was preoccupied at the time. The best things in my life happened precisely when I was not expecting them.
We should avoid dwelling on the outcome of things but this is impossible to do. Our best strategy is to be preoccupied and distracted enough so as to let things run their course. We are happier when we approach everyone and everything without expectations.
*Meditation is a form of focused distraction. It frees us to live life without any strings attached.