I can be an impartial conversationalist, a witty storyteller and an empathic, generous listener when necessary. I can observe and comment with dispassionate precision, insight and humour. I can weigh multiple points of view. I can celebrate someone else’s success. In rare moments, my philosophy of inclusion can even inspire others to act the same.
Hope you kept a straight face when reading these lines. If my self-description rankles you, it’s probably because you might know me and remember the many times when I was biased and inflexible. A charm to be with, I was not.
But don’t hundreds of interactions I’ve had with other earthlings confirm that I am tolerant and accepting?
The problem is that it’s not the whole picture of who I am. When by myself, I collect opinions, judgments and self-righteous stances faster than cans and pop bottles. My mental desk brims with observations, pronouncements and advice for others. With utter abandon I classify, catalogue and pigeonhole everyone around me. All manner of items —large and small— clamor for my attention and eventual “stamp of disapproval.”
Can anything stop me from this destructive and morally wrong behaviour?
Nope. The only consolation is to realize that we all seem to share this insidious flaw.
No one likes an opinionated, dogmatic person but it turns out that everyone you meet is dogmatic and opinionated on some level. That’s everyone. Your friend the university prof, the Bohemian couple next door —even your sweet, civil rights-loving grandma.
I submit to you that the agreeable folks in our midst only appear to be tolerant and open-minded, and this for a short time. In their heart of hearts, they too struggle with premature judgments and narrow-minded principles. When they feel threatened, they come out fighting with homespun absolutes and ludicrous theories of what is right and wrong —just like you and I do.
How to explain this human behaviour? Perhaps it’s both a collective and individual insecurity that fuels our asinine positions. Or perhaps it’s the predictable result of how our brain functions. In order to survive we have to constantly think and act; we have to evaluate and choose the proper course of action. Because there is always a “better mousetrap” to be discovered, and some of us discover it before others, it is just a matter of time before we “set ourselves up” as part- time bigots in our community.
But although each one of us is not actually the person we seem to be, this is not to say that we can’t act honourably from time to time. And to act in the right way does still contribute to a positive, inclusive climate for everyone.
I cannot, therefore, condemn others for being more hypocritical than me. My dogmas and prejudices are never far away. They are my faithful companions, like oxygen and light.
To imagine that we are open-minded is one of the most precious fallacies that we hold dear. We see ourselves as tolerant and accepting while we assume others are rigid and stubborn.
But we are all rigid and stubborn and to be otherwise is a daily, sophisticated challenge. The open- mindedness and tolerance that we long to incarnate is really just the stuff of romanticized stories and movies. Down here on planet earth, flaws, biases and limitations make up the bulk of what we are about.