As soon as you step out the front door, you meet people who want to recruit you for something. They invite you to subscribe to a philosophy or take up a certain lifestyle. Everywhere you look, someone wants to control you and lead you down a path that is not, at least initially, of your own choosing.
Mom and dad want you to do their bidding and grow up in their image. The pastor says “God loves you” but it is he who has a plan for your life. The coach tells you to follow his regimen if you want to make the team. The teacher promises academic success if you adhere to his rules. Your peers demand you imitate them. Your partner dictates your behaviour and controls your wardrobe. Social media pushes you for constant interaction and undying loyalty.
The government promises to leave you alone if you toe the line. The supermarket penalizes you if you do not use their store card. The gallery owner and the music agent will promote your art as long as it is mainstream and PC. Everywhere you look someone is all too willing to take up your cause if you relinquish some freedom and autonomy.
Why is this so? Why is everyone so controlling? And, for that matter, why am I so controlling as well? You see I have noticed this behaviour in others but I am guilty of it, too.
Humans are social animals. They need to congregate and stay connected in order to survive. After many years of evolution, members of society appear programmed to control each other through demands and appeals.
At home with family we might experience warmth and genuine affection, but in society itself we hold relationships that are mostly conditional and transactional. Here peer pressure is inescapable and there are consequences for recalcitrant individuals.
Yet all of us know someone who seems oblivious to social pressure. Doesn’t care about politics, religion or fashion. Doesn’t drive and doesn’t participate in elections. Seems to have the freedom to just be.
We envy such freedom but we shun that path because we do not want to be alone. The price of dissent is almost always isolation —sometimes death if you are unlucky.
Experts agree that the mature individual is self-reliant, knows her own mind and is not easily coerced against her will or beliefs.
A child is powerless and clueless about the way life really works, but with each passing decade —as long as trauma does not prevent it— the healthy individual sheds fake guilt and arbitrary responsibilities. She questions traditions (defined by some as “pressure from dead people”) and finally grows into her full sovereignty. If she lives long enough she may enjoy a few years where she can follow her heart. But many individuals do not make it that far.
I wonder if our experience could be different.
Wouldn’t it be something if we could grow up quicker and take charge of our lives sooner? If we had a longer period in our lives that was completely under our control and that we could call authentic?
It is impossible to know for sure what part of us is us and what part of us results from the heavy indoctrination we were subjected to as children and then later as adults. Society is a stern and thorough master.
Human beings are unique in the animal kingdom because they will sacrifice their lives for an idea. It’s just that the idea we hold in high regard and would die to defend may never have been ours to begin with.